Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
