If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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