just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
