I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
