he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
