Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
