Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
