any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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