I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
