i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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