somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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