the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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