there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
