update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
MIDGETS
????
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
