i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
