Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
