Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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