I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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