someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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