The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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