Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
3pm strippers are depressing
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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