Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
