you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
