Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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