Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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