but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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