If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
