i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
