I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They took my balls.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
