apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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