I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
