Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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