I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
