I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
