I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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