I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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