finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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