I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
