oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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