If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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