Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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