i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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