Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
