I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
