Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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