Umm I'm too high to move.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
