You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had sex on a roof
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
