what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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