I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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