just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
