I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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