i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
