I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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