Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
