you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
