I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
