In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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