wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
