Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
