Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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