Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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