Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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