Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
