the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
