theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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