when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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