Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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